I'm back.

Hey, you, reader in Russia. I'm back. Thanks for holding out so long, and keeping your faith in me.

Lots has changed since I've last written in this blogosphere. (that's a thing now, you know). I've moved, changed boyfriends, gained a little weight, and gained a lot of perspective.

In the year, or maybe two....okay 3ish since I've been here, I've learned a lot. A lot about people, about the world, but most importantly about myself.

I've learned that all those cheesey as hell motivation posters and inspiration quotes on Facebook and pinterest are true. It's only taken my 27 years to get it through my thick skull.

Really, the only thing that matters is you. How you feel, how you think and basically how you 'do you'.

I'm really, really sick of caring what others think of how I look, how I act, speak, think etc.

Honestly, in the shower tonight I thought of a ton of profound things to say in this "I'm coming back bitches" blog, and guess what? I can't think of one of them right now.


I just spent the day working, and dealing with the general public, which, lets face it, has made me lose all faith in humanity. People are mean. People are stupid. And also, a lot of people have really really poor hygiene and stink. All of these people come into my workplace. Day after day. And me, and my co-workers are lucky enough to be the ones to plaster a smile on our faces and count their change.
And then, after work, I got to spend the afternoon with my mom, and a long lost friend.

My mom and I never had a really fantastic relationship until a few years ago, and we are now closer than ever. There are very few days that go by that I don't think of, or speak to her. She is my best friend and confidant, and sometimes my partner in crime.

Then. Well. I made the foolish (read:greatest) decision to callmy old friend Chris.
Chris is my mom's best friends son.... following?
He is my partner in crime. Or as his mom says "the second generation of best buddies"
Chris is that person you can tell anything to. The one who I can let my baggage, my crazy, my emotions show. And he'll just tip his glass to me and laugh. While judging me at the same time. Because that's just what we do. We commiserate, catch up, drink beer, and judge people together.

Times with these folks makes me realize how lucky I am to have them.
I realize, we are getting old. There's no reason to be fake, to try and fool anyone at this point. Just be who the fuck you are. Whether a glorious beautiful being, or a ridiculously beautiful train wreck.


Because as our bartender says "Your balls are hanging all loose and out there. Mine are on the inside, but they're still there."

I honestly know I don't make sense at this point, and that's ok. That's the beauty of writing. Anybody can do it. Some of us really really suck at it, and that's still ok.
That quote was from our bartender, who was really chill, and I was just trying to work it in there somewhere..

Insert inspirational quote here.

Just be you, and don't give a fuck. Really. It doesn't do any good to care what other people think.




Anyway, now that you're all really really confused trying to follow my trains of thought (That I, even on a good day can't follow) I hope you all (Yeah, I'm talking to you Bailey and 1 reader in Russia) are doing amazing. That you're living life to fulfill YOU, and nobody else, because that's just messed up.

Monogrammed Underwear.

So, unfortunately since getting a sewing machine for Christmas.....I haven't used it. I did take it out of the box, and set it up, just to realize I had no fabric, or needles, pins or thread. A few hours at JoAnn's and Michaels later....and I am all set to sew. Next step...find the time. I would LOVE to make a quilt. One day. I swear. I should probably start small though. Nobody wants a quilt from a woman who can't even sew a button back onto a coat. (A 4 hour ordeal. Ongoing.)

It's been over a month since my last blog, and here's why...I don't want to bore people. My life is extremely mundane. Wake up, get daughter to school, go to gym, get daughter from school, build lego towns, drop daughter off at Mom's and then go to school, go to bed. Eventually I shower, work, do homework and the rest of my adult responsibilities. Who wants to hear about my MBA1 Computer class? Or the fact that I had zero time to do laundry last week so I ended up digging in the storage unit for a clean shirt to wear. (True story, I hate to admit.) The thing is, I get these very infrequent strokes of genius and either A) Forget them when I have time to sit down and blog or B) Cannot elaborate on them. It's hard. Out of all the things that I have wanted to post in the last month, here is the biggest one, the one that I keep coming back to.
Here's a disclaimer first though:
Mom, I love you, and I know you will eventually see this, and I just want you to know it's not your fault, seriously. You're the best mom anybody could have.

I want everyone in my life to know this one little fact. This ONE thing that every person on this planet should know and do. Looking back, it just seems like common sense, but hindsight is 20/20, right?
Don't ever be afraid to be yourself, and once you find yourself, stick with it and embrace it.
Again, it sounds so stinking simple. Growing up, I had a lot of different influences in my life, some great, some good, and some not so good. For so long, I struggled with doing what everyone wanted me to do, or how they wanted me to act, and who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to act. I have always been so envious of people who when they are young know exactly what they want to be when they grow up, or find the person they want to be with so young. It took me so long to figure life out, and I still am finding my way.  I had a 3 year old, hardly a semester of college and a failed marriage under my belt when I was 23 and started figuring out who I really am. Two years later, and I am still trying to navigate myself and my life. Looking back at my childhood (here's where the disclaimer comes in) I never really remember my mom, or my Oma (who is the 2nd biggest influence in my life, after my mother) telling me all those cliche things... to follow my heart, that I can be great, to do what I want and see where it leads me. Not that they didn't tell me, maybe they did, I just don't remember. Either way, I wish they would have made it a point to tell me that    while I will fail at some things, I will be a success at others. So,all this rambling leads to one (very long) bottom line:
If you have kids, or even if you don't and are struggling, like me, just remember to be yourself. It's hard, maybe we never really find our whole selves, like our lives are just one big journey to find that person we strive to become, but when you find it, or even just a sliver of that person, don't let go of it. Embrace it, fight for it, and don't lose it. 

Hot Date

 I'm back and better than ever!! It's hard to be funny and witty when you just feel down.With the holidays and the rut I've been in, everything has been a little crazy. My laptop took a crap on me, and I was doing everything on my phone. Do you know how hard it is to pay bills online with a touch screen? Fat fingers and small type do not go well together. 

So anyway, I've had the whole weekend off, and no daughter to build legos with, (I may or may not have built them alone...) so I took it upon myself to go through closets and get rid of things we don't use. How in the world do 2 people living in such a small apartment have so much STUFF? Feels good to be rid of it all. I was figuring I was in for a quiet night of wine, and a bad movie from Red box until the BFF called and said she was on her way over. We watched our bad movie for a little while and then decided it was time for an impromptu Qdoba trip. On the way, we chit chatted about life, but mostly her cute nephews. On a whim we decided to make a trip to Target and pick up the movie Pitch Perfect. We laughed harder than we have in a long time. If you haven't seen it, get a group of your girlfriends together, a few bottles of wine and watch it. You won't regret it. I promise.
All this jibber jabber is leading up to my point which is this: Even through my long standing rut I've fallen into, its always a pick up to know that I've got a few friends to always pick me up when I need it, and last night was something I really needed. A girl's night with a funny movie and being goofy.

A few other updates: I've lost about 5 more pounds since my last blog (My December goal was to at least stay where I was if I didn't lose weight. Like I will ever say no to Christmas cookies. Please.), I am lifting weights, and doing damn good. I also got a sewing machine. A sewing machine that can monogram the things that I sew. So pretty much, my initials are now going to be in my underwear. I mean, HOW COOL. 

He's a Pill.

The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs. Not limited to, but including breakups, makeups and family trips. First, Ohio to see my Ex sister in law (we really need to come up with better titles for each other, honestly!) Then, this past weekend my mom, daughter and I went to Chicago as a birthday gift to my daughter. Fun filled weekend full of (crazy expensive) hotel snacks, taxi rides and touristy things. But, let's get to the meat of things.
     Recently I got back together with my ex (boyfriend, not husband, and please, save the collective sighs and eye rolls.) I have been keeping it quiet, not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed or anything like that, but just not to jinx it. Really. I'm not always so superstitious, but I do believe in jinxing things, and this is one thing I don't want to jinx. We agree we have issues, like any other relationship out there, but we believe that they are things we can work on, learn from and move forward. I went through the 5 stages of grief after our break up. I ate ice cream, I cried, I vowed to make him regret his (well, our) decision. But honestly, the reality of not having him anymore hit me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Long story short, we talked, I cried, and here we are, happy, and taking things one day at a time. I recently told a family member of mine (this is where I won't mention names, because I love said family member with all my heart and don't feel it's appropriate to put them on blast.) and their response was "He's a pill. I'm sorry, but he is." I'm all for everyone having their own opinions, and sharing them. I'm all for judging (after all, I'm the judgiest.) but honestly? This is my life, my heart and my happiness, and sometimes opinions should be kept to yourself. (I mean, even I can keep some things inside my head, and that's saying something.)
     The past few years have been full of joy, depression, laughs and tears, and my family has been there through it all, I know that without a doubt they just want the best for me, and to see me happy, but when I am happy, please don't rain on my parade. Who knows, there may be a day when this person can stand up and say "I told you so." That's fine, do it at the family Christmas dinner, heck I will even pay for you to rent a billboard advertising it, but right now? Please, just be there for me, and be happy, because you know what? All pills aren't bad for you. Sure, I don't like that my fish oil pill is freaking huge, and I have to take it 3 times a day, but the pros outweigh those 2 cons. (My hair has never been better!)  So, while you may think he's a pill, and hard to swallow, just remember that right now, and in the long run, the pros outweigh the cons. He makes me happy, and he's what I want. I love him, and he loves me, and yeah, he's good for me too. He has never put me down, and he has given me the courage, and motivation to do some things I never thought I would, or could. He's supportive of my decisions, and encourages me to follow my dreams. Why wouldn't you want that for me? So please, just take this pill with a big gulp of water and try and be happy about it, if you aren't, that's ok too, but keep that to yourself, please.

I don't always work 3rd shift, but when I do...

I am always the grumpiest between 1-2am.

I recently worked a 3rd shift, to help out my boss. I don't mind 3rd shift, I mean, I'm usually awake during the majority of those hours anyway, so its not a big deal. What is a big deal, however is the customers. Working in retail, I've met some characters. There's my probably all time favorite, Marvin, who most likely always has a BAC over the legal limit, but its okay. Why? Because he's either always on his little bike, walking or getting a ride. He's a good guy, who likes his beer and $2 crosswords just a little too much. His laugh is seriously infectious. Then, there's the annoying ones, who think, well its 130am, this girl has nothing better to do than stand up at that register and wait for me while I look at every.single.item.in.the.store. TWICE. Contrary to popular belief, I DO have other things to get done, but the second I walk away from that register I know you are finally going to make that life altering decision between the mounds bar and the almond joy and come waltzing up. So I wait. While I wait, I think of all the things I could be doing, the things I could be discussing with my sassy co-worker, and as I think of how I am not doing these things, I am getting angrier and angrier by the millisecond.
So when you come up, and I'm a little short (don't worry, I'm still pleasant enough to not be labeled 'that huge bitch at the gas station') that's why. Please just get your stuff and get the F out.

That's not the only reason I was grumpy, honestly, I am just really ready for our mini vacation to Ohio, and that 3rd shift was pretty much the last working day before we leave.

I realize this isn't witty, or funny, its just a down right rant today. I work retail, its bound to happen eventually, and without a doubt, happen again.

Happy Trails!

Looking for Love

             Ever hear the saying "You're looking for love in all the wrong places"?  I feel like the universe is telling me I am, because where the hell is love?! I would love to know, dear universe, where I am supposed to look for love, if I'm looking in the wrong places? I mean, maybe I'm 'out of the loop' but where exactly does one look for love? I don't get out much, so my locations to find love are pretty limited. Work, the gym, pre-school and the grocery store. So, let's go ahead and break this on down Barney style....
Work- Pretty slim pickings, most of the customers are either 1. Old, 2. Grumpy 3. Old and Grumpy or 4. Just plain disgusting. Very rarely do we get a fine specimen like Skoal Mint Pouches, Basic Lights (Before he was poor, and got hooked on chocolate covered glazers) or the Man that Debbie Loves, and even when we do, they are not regular customers, and let's face it, they are in love with super models, and will never let us have their babies.
The Gym- The few people I have seen at the gym while I'm there? Super freaky fast, who I know is married, and the rest of the gym goers consist of old men, really hot girls who don't even NEED to be there, or gorillas.
Pre-school- Rebecca has been in school for about a month and a half now, and believe me, I've checked every dad's ring finger that I see....all have a nice shiny little band on them. Boo.
The Grocery Store- This is where is gets iffy. I mean, I guess it's absolutely probable to find love while skimming the produce or picking out a nice pork chop, but how do you even start that conversation? "Wow, I see you picked out a really nice block of cheese, you want to come over, eat it and then fall madly in love with me?"

There is also the whole "It will come when you're not looking for it" "Give it time" Yeah yeah. I don't want to wait, I want love to find me like yesterday. So Universe I say to you...Here I am, send him my way. I'm ready.

And if any of you reading this know him (him being, the love of my life I have yet to meet) don't wait for the universe. Give him my number, email and address.

Coming up with the perfect name.

This is my first blog. Ever. How do people usually start these things?

I'm Heather, I'm a feisty Sagittarius who likes long walks on the beach, I use way more parenthesis than grammatically necessary, and who (in no particular order) loves food, friends, wine and to exaggerate to the extreme.

I've been thinking of writing a blog for a while now, I mean, I'm a terrible writer. I hardly use correct punctuation, and tend to have major run on sentences, but if I keep using my Facebook as a diary, I am probably going to lose 2/3 of my friends due to the random shit that gets posted every ten minutes. I even started making a list of all the things I could write about. (No, I can't give you the list! I have to have something to keep you 3 people reading this to come back to!) The first thing on my list was a name. I needed something awesome, witty and totally me. A friend told me to name it "Love fury" I told him I can't mislead people into thinking this is going to be some deep and insightful blog. It's not. It's going to be filled with lolcats and random stories and thoughts (that are neither deep nor meaningful). Another friend suggested "I'm like that guy on the subway, I know you don't care about my overactive bladder, but I'm still going to tell you about it-and other things" Which, I have to say, fits me perfectly, because if I were to have an overactive bladder, I would absolutely tell you about it. It's just too long. What if this blog becomes hugely famous? Everybody will be like "Did you read the new 'Past Imperfect'?" You won't ever hear somebody say "Did you see the new 'I'm like that guy on the subway....'?" By the time they get to the end of the name, I will have posted a NEW rambling blog, and they will just get confused. I didn't name it that because I know that exact situation will play out if I did. That's just the way the world works.

I read all these blogs written by these smart, beautiful women who write about cooking amazing dishes, cleaning, applying makeup like a movie star....yadda yadda. I've finally started to master rice on the stove, I have to call my mother every trip I make to the grocery store to ask where something is, and even on my best day I still poke myself in the eye with my mascara. I'm far from perfect. Like light years away. I'm a single mom trying to make ends meet and give my daughter the best she deserves. I figure "Past Imperfect" fits. It's also the name of a book I read for about 30 pages until something new caught my eye. It gets great reviews on Amazon, so check it out, I know I (eventually) will.

So going back to my list, I've got it, and I will keep adding to it, and hopefully cover a variety of topics to interest everybody. I also promise to try and keep the F bombs to a minimum, but lets face it, sometimes the story just isn't the same without one. I'm not looking to embarrass any of my friends/family, so I promise to try and get permission, and if they don't give it to me I will change names, dates and locations. (Kidding, mostly. I will keep all your feelings in mind.)

How long are blogs? I'm not trying to write a novel. I mean, character development, and plot twists are beyond me. I'm just trying to brighten some peoples' days and get a few chuckles, hopefully that happens or I will just feel like an utter failure, and have to eat like a gallon of Americone Dream ice cream. So basically, if you like what you've read, keep coming back (please!) and send all your friends over too. I welcome comments, praise, criticism (of the constructive kind) and will never say no to gifts, gummy bears or marriage proposals.

Ciao for now!